Solara's Personal Update: December 8, 2002: The Silent Watcher

Since the week prior to the 5th Gate Activation, I've been in a profoundly deep, quiet place much of the time. Many days talking or communicating feels like an almost impossible effort. On the strongest days, when I feel that I'm being blasted with deep energies, I just want to lie down and be very still. Not sleep, but rather, put my being in a state of not-doing so deep and unmoving, it's almost like suspended animation. By ceasing all outside stimulus, even the stimulus to be a separate being in the world of form, I can free myself to enter a state of heightened beingness. Where beingness is all there is.

Throughout this time, I feel that I'm working very hard in the midst of some huge endeavor which is taking all my energy and attention, yet in my personal work life, I find myself neglecting many of the tasks stacked up in front of me. I just can't bring myself to do them, even if they're important or urgent. The energy just isn't there. Does it really matter?

You know how it is when a building is being totally renovated and is covered with scaffolding. This is how I feel. I'm under construction. Right now, I don't feel like going out in the world. I need to accomplish more internal renovation. I need to watch and listen and observe and feel in an unobstructed state.

I'm also in a state of profound learning. I can't recall any other time in my life when I've learned so much -- not even in school -- although I can't yet communicate just what it is that I'm learning. I spend much of my time thinking, observing and integrating. I'm watching everything very carefully, trying not to miss a thing. I'm watching the often bizarre changes in the world situation, delving far beneath the surface to see what is really going on. I'm feeling everything and everyone. I'm feeling my own feelings. I'm feeling the interplay of pure energy. I can't recall ever spending so much time immersed in thought, contemplation and feelings.

I'm also looking at everything within me. I'm inside my inner control panels making some much needed recalibrations. I can't yet tell you just what is being changed, but it is happening on the deepest levels.

The November Surf Report talks about the dissolving of the sticky adhesive which kept us attached to people, places, experiences, emotional patterns, etc. Well, I certainly am experiencing many of my attachments flying off of me. Sometimes, this makes me so sad that I can't stop crying. Other times, it doesn't bother me at all. Just one less thing / person / situation to carry around with me.

It's also a time of many paradoxes-- seemingly opposite yearnings that must somehow be integrated. I need to be alone and quiet, yet sometimes I feel so lonely. I'm so tired of being a hermit and yearn to be around friends and a special loved one. I feel a strong need to retire from worldly cares, yet don't make enough money to live on. I have a huge yearning to just BE, but can't quite figure out how to let go of all my tasks. I need to make enough space around me so I can be creative. I want to write more books and do my art, but don't have the energetic space to do it.

Revelations are constantly filtering through me. Strong feelings well up, as do fragments of the future. Crucial pieces of the puzzle are still missing, still coming in. As much as I would like to, I can't act upon these visions until more pieces are in position. Sometimes, I feel an underlying sense of excitement, yet don't know why.

Other times, I feel discontented with almost everything. I don't like the layers of subtle and not so subtle manipulation which are running rampant under the guise of necessity. The constant stirring up of people's fear. I feel the attempts to distort the grids and the repressive infrastructure which is being put into position. I'm watching the distorted duality world which has been imposed upon us become increasingly arrogant and controlling. I'm watching to see where it is all going.

In the midst of all this was the 5th Gate Activation. It was exquisite, marvelous, amazing and stretched me way beyond my previous limits. And it was a turning point, because I know that from now on, I can't do this alone, that our One Being will have to step forward and we'll do it together as One.

I'm feeling the pulse of our One Being, wondering whether it has quickened enough to be viable. I know that the key to our future survival and transformation out of this duality hologram lies in our One Being, but do enough others know this? How many are ready to live it as their predominant reality?

Sometimes, I feel like a huge mother hen sitting on the egg of our One Being, waiting for it to hatch. I see people burst out of the shell into Oneness, then recede back in. It makes me sad and it makes me impatient. There is no more time to waste.

Recently, I've been pondering what to do with my Surf Reports. It was a big decision for me to make them by subscription only. I've put off this decision for a long time. I am a great believer in making this information accessible to anyone who finds it useful. We certainly need it now more than ever.

However, I realize that I really need to be supported now so I can totally focus on the interplay of energies in this critical time for the planet's survival. If not, I would keep pouring it out without asking for anything in return.

Since announcing this decision, I've received more than a few critical emails along with some very supportive ones, which are slightly in the majority. I also realize that some people can't pay anything right now and that's alright. Most of us have been there at some time in our lives; I certainly have. I'm happy to give them complimentary subscriptions. It's all in the attitude and in the willingness to share the responsibility.

Some people are quite irate-angry-rude that I dare charge for my work. This is a different matter. I wish they could see the irony in this. How much they love and respect the Surf Reports, how much they find it helpful; yet, not wanting to spend even $5 a month to support me so I can do my work unhindered. And this website is just the tiny tip of the iceberg of what I am really doing.

There's an important energy dynamic here which some people aren't yet aware of. It's the dynamic of Mutual Support. Of honoring that which honors our core beings. Of nourishing those things which nourish us. Of Balanced Giving and Receiving.

I've recently realized that there's much for me to learn about this dynamic of Mutual Support. It's part of the great learning process I'm currently in. It was recently highlighted with the 5th Gate Activation. A wondrous Activation that will make a lasting difference for all of us, yet I not only didn't make any money for all the work I did, but came up $9000 short, forcing me to scramble for rent money. Now, the 11:11 Activations are unquestionably great, but it certainly doesn't feel right that I should have to pay so much out of my own pocket to make them happen. This is not the One Being in Action. It's the old duality-based dynamic of Givers & Takers. And I can no longer be a part of it, even as a Giver. All I can do is stand in my position in our One Being with my full presence.

Each time, I call for sponsors or subscribers, I am really calling for our One Being to activate. It's a test to see how ready we are. Sort of like sticking a toothpick in a cake to see if it's done yet.... Back in February 1997 when I was in the Glasshouse Mountains of Australia making the preparations for 3rd Gate, I had a series of breakthrough revelations about the One Being, about how powerful and invincible it really is and what we can do with it. Since then, I've been waiting for our One Being to sufficiently activate so we could implement some of these visions. When we have a few thousand regular monthly subscribers, we will be able to expand our One Being to go on to the next stage and start creating miracles. I can't speak more of it until we are ready....

I've also been questioning my role on the planet at this time. If I need to still be here? If I will be supported if I choose to stay? I've accomplished my Big Mission; I don't have to stay unless I want to. I don't owe any karmic debts. I remain solely out of love. Sometimes, this doesn't feel like enough. I look at the gaps where I am not feeling nourished which are mainly on the personal level. I also look at the places where I'm not nourishing myself. As I said, I've been questioning everything.

I feel a great need to get settled, to find a house that I can stay in and get totally unpacked for a change. I may even move to a different island next year to escape the vog (volcanic fog). Plus, several books are percolating inside me which really want to be written, but I feel too unsettled to write them yet.

I also don't feel like traveling at all. That said, I will be going to Ireland in January to find the place for the Sixth Gate Activation. I will also be speaking at a conference in Zurich, Switzerland January 25 -27. I may give some workshops in Europe while I am there. If I do, this would be a great opportunity for the European 11:11 Anchors to come and learn some of the Sacred Dances. And I would love to meet you.

Change swirls all around me. Change scours the inside of my being. Nothing is untouched by change.... I can feel the swirling energies, but don't yet know where they are taking me. Throughout it all, I feel deeply grateful and remain open.


Splashing Waves of Aloha,